That's exactly how long the movie felt to me. There weren't
even nine laughs in NINE MONTHS. It's a terrible mess of a movie
starring a terrible mess of a man, Mr. Hugh Grant, a huge dork. It's
not the whole oral-sex/prostitution thing (referring to Grant, not me)
that bugs me, it's the fact that Grant is annoying. Not just Adam
Sandler-annoying, we're talking Jim Carrey-annoying.
Since when do eye flutters and nervous smiles pass for
acting? But, on the other hand, since when do really bad slapstick (a
fistfight in the delivery room culminating in Grant's head in Joan
Cusack's lap--a scene he paid $60 to have included in the movie) and
obscene double entendres (Robin Williams, the obstetrician, tells
Grant's pregnant girlfriend she has "a big pussy," referring of course to
the size of the cat hairs on her coat, but nonetheless, Grant paid $60 to
have the exchange included in the movie) pass for comedy?
NINE MONTHS is a predictable cookie-cutter movie with no
originality in humor or plot. Hugh Grant plays a successful child
psychiatrist. Why a child psychologist? So the scriptwriters could
inject the following unfunny exchange:
KID: My dad's an asshole.
GRANT (flutters eyelashes, offers a nervous smile, then
responds in his annoying English accent and I-think-I-actually-have-
talent attitude): Could you possibly elaborate on that?
KID: My dad's a _huge_ asshole.
More like a Hugh asshole, but that's beside the point, which
is: NINE MONTHS includes too many needlessly stupid jokes that get
laughs from the ten year olds in the audience while everyone else
shakes his or her head in disbelief.
So, anyway, Grant finds out his girlfriend is pregnant and
does his usual reaction (fluttered eyelashes, nervous smiles). This
paves the way for every possible pregnancy/child birth gag in the book,
especially since Grant's equally annoying friend's wife is also
pregnant. The annoying friend is played by Tom Arnold, who provides
most of the cacophonous slapstick, none of which is funny, such as a
scene where Arnold beats up a costumed "Arnie the Dinosaur" (you
draw your own parallels on that one) in a toy store.
The only interesting character in the movie is played by Jeff
Goldblum, who should have hid himself away somewhere after the
dreadful HIDEAWAY, as an artist with a fear of (and simultaneous
longing for) commitment. Not even Robin Williams, who plays a
Russian doctor who has recently decided to switch from veterinary
medicine to obstetrics, has much humor. His is a one-joke character--
the old foreign-guy-who-mispronounces-English stereotype (did
someone say Yakov Smirnov? That's my favorite vodka, by the way),
hence the line "Now it's time to take a look at your Volvo," another
nasty but unamusing joke, except this one goes right over the ten year
olds' heads, while the adults simultaneously groan.
NINE MONTHS is a complete failure, low on laughs and
intelligence and high on loud, unfunny slapstick, failed jokes and
other uninspired lunacy. Hugh Grant's Sunset Boulevard arrest
(please, no caught-with-his-pants-down jokes) may bring more people
into the theaters, but they certainly won't leave with a smile on their
faces, not after 90 minutes of Grant's nervous smiles. Everything in
the movie is so forced, so unauthentic that anyone with an I.Q. over 80
(sorry, Hugh) will know they wasted their money on an unfulfilled
desire. But at least they didn't spend 60 bucks for it.
Copyright © 1996 Andrew Hicks