Exactly what is this completely incomprehensible bore perpetrated by "director" Jeremiah Chechik and "writer" Don Macpherson about? No, it's not about superslick British spies John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) and Dr. Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) and their world-saving adventures. Nor is it about DeWynter's mystifying plan to somehow destroy the world by way of a weather machine. Far from it. _The_Avengers_ is about the superstylish fashions sported by Academy Award-nominated models Fiennes and Thurman. Here's Ralph in a classy gray flannel and silk suit with matching bowler hat and umbrella. Now it's Uma, looking fetching in a skin-tight, neck-to-toe vinyl catsuit with four-inch heels. And so on. Yes, there is something of a story stringing the fashion show together, but since Chechik and Macpherson obviously didn't give it a second thought, neither will I here.

Granted, the photogenic Fiennes and Thurman make an attractive pair. But, as with even the best models, things go straight to hell once they open their mouths. The two are talented actors, but there's nothing they or anyone can do with Macpherson's witless idea of comic repartee. The tension that consequently builds between Steed and Peel is not sexual but of a different sort--the type you get when oil and water meet (so I guess you can say there is some kind of chemistry going on). The Oscar winner in the bunch, Connery, is even more lost, so over-the-top as if to be "acting" in a completely different film from another planet.

For the entire film, the audience with whom I saw _The_Avengers_ was stone silent... until the end credits started to roll, at which point a lone voice from the rear of the auditorium snapped, "That shit was stupid." While no one offered an "amen," I'm certain that's exactly what everyone was thinking.