When it can't think anything else to do, the script, written by Dana Carvey and Harris Goldberg, falls back on those old reliables, flatulence jokes and pratfalls. One supposedly humorous incident has Pistachio, working as a waiter in his father's restaurant, dropping five plates of spaghetti on a table of diners. As they sit there like statues with pasta and sauce all over them, the customers have parmesan cheese grated over their heads by Pistachio. His irritating, fake Italian accent is so grating that I found myself wishing that the blabbermouths behind me would talk louder so that they could drown him out.

Pistachio wants to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad, which means one with buttocks the size of a Volkswagen. When he hires a cute assistant (Jennifer Esposito), his only complaint about her is that she is "tush challenged."

The minimal plot has Pistachio trying to thwart a villain (Brent Spiner) who is stocking "Black MarkEBay" with the unwilling help of Pistachio's father. This setup allows Pistachio to try on an unending series of supposedly funny faces.

The only saving grace to the picture is the delightfully strong performance by Esposito, whom you will remember as the detective in last year's DON'T SAY A WORD, starring Michael Douglas. One hopes that directors will see her charming work in this miserable movie and cast her in a good romantic comedy. She deserves it.

THE MASTER OF DISGUISE runs 1:20. It is rated PG for "mild language and some crude humor" and would be acceptable for kids of all ages.

My son Jeffrey, age 13, gave the movie one half of a star, saying that he thought "it stunk."