The story of the wooden puppet who longs to be a real live boy stars Benigni, whose Italian has been ineptly dubbed into English by actor Breckin Meyer. But the lip-syncing is so sloppy that it moves beyond disconcerting into laughably ludicrous. In addition, Pinocchio's father/creator Geppetto (Carlo Giuffre, dubbed by David Suchet) doesn't seem to realize that his "boy," carved out of pine, is actually a rapidly-balding, middle-aged man. Remember how creepy Diana Ross was as young Dorothy in "The Wiz"?

Meanwhile, there's the Blue Fairy (Nicoletta Braschi/a.k.a. Mrs. Benigni, dubbed by Glenn Close), making an impressive entrance pulled by a train of white mice, and jabbering Cricket (dubbed by John Cleese), who screeches, "Serves you right!" when Pinocchio misbehaves. And to strike a contemporary note, the whale that gulps Pinocchio and Geppetto has update to a great white shark. Since I'm not a psychiatrist, I won't even delve into Benigni's grotesque interpretation of this classic fable except to warn parents that it contains some subtle yet bizarre sexual innuendoes that they may prefer to vet ahead-of-time. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, "Pinocchio" barely scores a 1. Summing it up: it's a frightful vanity film that, no doubt, pays off what debt Miramax felt they owed to Benigni.