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Review by Dustin Putman
2½ stars out of 4
There could be worse—far worse—ways for the big, special effects-laden
summer movie season to begin than "Van Helsing." Like 1999's mediocre
"The Mumm y" and 2001's just as bad "The Mummy Returns." What do all
three films have in common? Writer-director Stephen Sommers, an excessively
mainstream moviemaker who never met a CGI shot or badly-timed bit
of comic relief he didn't like. "Van Helsing" falls victim to these
same hindrances, but this time it sort of works in spite of its bombastic,
overblown nature. Whereas "The Mummy" pictures were boring and tedious
in the most wearisome of popcorn flick ways, "Van Helsing" is like
a rollercoaster ride that doesn't want to stop, and thank goodness.
It's a 125-minute, third act-style climax, a fantasy-action pic so
fast-paced and visually dazzling that it eventually wears you into
submission. Yes, it's junk, and the screenplay is an unbelievable
mess, and the one-liners and pratfalls are inappropriate and desperately
unfunny, but it remains a solid entertainment while it lasts.
With the character of the Mummy ha ving worn out his welcome, director
Sommers turns his attention to the other classic Universal monsters,
piling them one after the other into a boiling pot and stirring vigorously.
The title character, Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), reimagined from Bram
Stoker's "Dracula" as a younger, more suave hero, is a brim-hatted
vampire hunter questioning the reason behind what has become his life's
work. A sufferer of memory loss, he is assured that if he travels
to the dank European country of Transylvania to kill Dracula (Richard
Roxburgh), vampiric son of Satan, his past will be revealed. Once
there, Van Helsing meets Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), the last
surviving memory of her family's lineage who hasn't fallen victim
to Dracula and his three vicious vampire brides (Elena Anaya, Silvia
Colloca, Josie Maran). With the villagers living in constant fear,
Van Helsing teams up with Anna to find a way to not only kill Dracula,
but also the Wolfman and Frankenstein's Monster (Shuler Hensley),
w ho turns out to not be the dangerous creature they expected.
Combining all of the main classic movie monsters into one big-budget
visual-effects extravaganza is filled with boundless possibilities,
but Stephen Sommers' screenplay pays no attention to whether such
a premise makes sense or not. He doesn't care much about the characters,
either, and the rare moments where he attempts to give them exposition
and development are laughably amateurish (Anna's wistful, out-of-the-blue
comment about never having seen the ocean is so random it inspires
unintended giggles). Fortunately, dialogue is sparse in a motion picture
that only cares about one thing—cutting to the chase. "Van Helsing"
breathlessly jumps from one gigantic action set-piece to the next,
from beginning to end, and nary a shot goes by that isn't jam-packed
with awe-inspiring computer-generated backdrops and less impressive,
but still entertaining computer-generated creatures. There are times,
in fact, where it seem s one is watching an animated film that just
so happens to have some live-action actors mixed in.
The opening sequence, a gloriously rich and stylish black-and-white
ode to the classic 1930's Universal monster pictures that documents
the creation of Frankenstein's monster and Dr. Frankenstein's fiery
death at the hands of the frightened townspeople, is deceptive. So
stunningly beautiful and atmospheric is this eye-catching prologue
that it comes as a disappointment when the frames become colorized
and the film transforms into just another conventional blockbuster
wannabe where plot, characters, and plausibility take a back seat
to the magic of modern computer technology.
Plausibility, in fact, is nonexistent. Human characters clearly without
superhero powers jump through windows, swing across ravines, and suffer
giant falls, only to land on their feet and continue battle without
even the faintest of injuries. In a too-obvious bid for the sacred
PG-13 rating, the naked, winged vampire brides lack nipples on their
breasts and are androgynous down below, and when they turn back into
normal-looking women, clothes magically appear on them. Who knew vampires
had the power to make clothes disappear and reappear at whim? And
how convenient for the werewolves to tear off all their human clothes
following a transformation, only to still have on underwear when they
turn back into men. It may be nitpicking, but such criticisms are
valid when a film's content is so cheaply jeopardized in favor of an MPAA rating.
As the brooding, butt-kicking Van Helsing, Hugh Jackman exudes none
of the charisma he showed as Wolverine in 2000's "X-Men" and 2003's
"X2." As Anna, Kate Beckinsale (2003's "Underworld") is better, capably
handling a tricky European accent—and one that sound ed hideous in
the trailers, no less—while fitting the bill as Van Helsing's tough
female companion and possible love interest. Her's is the only performance
that really works, save for the creepy vampire brides whose menacing
cackle indelibly reminds of the possessed women in Sam Raimi's "The
Evil Dead." Richard Roxburgh (2003's "The League of Extraordinary
Gentlemen") is embarrassingly bad as Count Dracula, and threatens
to sink his every scene with over-the-top histrionics.
With so much stacked against it, there is no good reason why "Van
Helsing" should work as well as it ultimately does. Still, the film
is a masterpiece of mood and visual inspiration, decked to the nine's
with awesome gothic art direction and production design, and stunning
settings that spring to life, prove just how advanced today's CGI
effects have become. The action sequences, which take up most of the
film, are exuberantly shot and ed ited, none more so than the attack
of the vampire brides on the horse-and-carriage as it made its way
through the gloomy, foreboding woods. And the relentless, pounding
music score by Alan Silvestri (2003's "Identity") keeps the energy
high when it could have easily become exhausting.
Make no bones about it, "Van Helsing" is as far-fetched as movies
come, but then, what else could be expected from a film that features
Dracula, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the Wolfman, evil
midget minions, thousands of attacking baby vampires, and three fanged
babes who fly around the sky. If you walk into "Van Helsing" ready
to scrutinize its plot particulars, savor its dialogue, and get involved
in three-dimensional characters, writer-director Stephen Sommers makes
it clear from the beginning that you are barking up the wrong tree.
Instead, "Van Helsing" is a likable piece of sensory overload, disposable
eye candy that entertains while it plays itself out but isn't worth
much once it's over. The film's sole ingenious line of dialogue comes
at the end, so clever it is almost as if it fell into the screenplay
by accident. "What do you say about your blood coursing through my
body?" one of the vampire brides asks Anna. Anna's reply, after impaling
her with a stake: "I say if you're gonna kill them, kill them. Don't
just stand there and talk about it."
Copyright © 2004 Dustin Putman
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